G-G-G-G-G-G-G-UNIT SQUAD!

I’ll admit that I don’t know anything about Mickey Cohen or the 1940s’ LA gang scene. I will also admit to being totally fascinated with Hollywood in the 1940s solely based on the “glamour” of the era. Even the gangs were glamourous. They wore zoot suits, for crying out loud, and they hung out at clubs called Slapsy Maxie’s. What’s not to love? (besides the violence and corruption)

Directed by Rueben Fleischer (Zombieland), and written by Will Beall (“Castle”), Gangster Squad is a solid film. The movie is based on Paul Lieberman’s novel of the same name, and while I do not know how much of it is actually true, I don’t really care. Obviously it is glamourized just like the era it takes place in (I think?). And what with the interwebs these days, I’m sure it’s easy enough to just Google, but it’s really not necessary to enjoy the movie. Parts were predictable, but not eye-roll worthy. Parts were funny, peppered lightly around the violence to give good flow and keep things light. Nothing was cheesy. Nothing was Tarantino violent (save one scene but it’s over quickly).

The tone was human, knowwhatimean? Probably not because I just made that up. Let me be more confusing: it was serious, without taking itself too seriously, but with taking itself for what it is. It’s not unlike Public Enemies (Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion HOTillard), but it is unlike it. Both are very entertaining war-era gangster movies, but made very differently. The expectation you built in your mind based on the trailers is exactly what you will get; G-Squad is a GOOD movie. Nothing more and yet no less.

What worked
-The clothes, the speech, the cars, the music (soundtrack is beautiful); they got the era.
-The cast. Everyone was fantastic. Josh Brolin delivered the kickassery. Ryan Gosling was his charming, handsome self but with a different voice. Anthony Mackie doesn’t get enough screen time. Emma Stone is divine. God she makes me wish I was a smoker. But not. But I get how easy it was for people to take up smoking back then. SO CLASSY & SEXY. Mireille Enos as Brolin’s wife is just adorable and devout and not annoying. Robert Patrick & Giovanni Ribisi were delightfully awesome. And of course Sean Penn is creepy and sinister as hell (and he was good in the movie too, HIYO!).
-The weird instagram-esque filter they used that was totally there but also not. Brolin, you’re an attractive man. When you reach 50 I’ll gladly add you to my “Hot Men in their 50s” list, but I know you got more lines on your face. Was the filter for everyone’s skin or to add glamour? I don’t know, but I liked it.
-Gun fights!!! Ok I know it is a sensitive issue right now. I mean absolutely no disrespect. But THIS is where guns belong: in a heavily stylized movie about the 1940s’ gangster scene. Got that, kids?

Didn’t work so much:
-The very beginning, and the very end. The voice over/narrative if you will. It really didn’t need to happen. This movie did not need to be told in Brolin/Sgt O’Meara’s point of view. Especially because he does a general, 2 minute voice over at the beginning of the movie, and then the rest of the movie is just a third person POV, until the end when you get a jarring voice over again. Sure, show O’Meara’s home life, that’s all fine and dandy. I know there needs to be a central character and O’Meara fits the bill, but the voice over wasn’t remotely necessary and sort of distracting. If throughout the movie they wanted to go for a classic beat era voice over where O’Meara just narrates everything that’s happening, that might have actually worked. But they didn’t, and I just felt distanced at the end. “Oh… ya, I guess it was about O’Meara? No it’s not.”
-Nothing was wrong plot-wise. Just a tad predictable. I don’t know if that’s because 1) I’ve seen too many movies, 2) it’s based on a true story & truth is boring which is why we have fiction, or 3) lazy writing to keep audience happy.

General thoughts, like my actual thoughts while watching the movie:
-Dayum, Gosling
-this car chase would actually be pretty slow
-HOW IS NO ONE GETTING SHOT
-it’s like Grand Theft Auto, minus the cars being stolen
-why is it taking them so long to find their hideout? oh right, no internet. what a dark time. how did they do anything?
-like seriously, dayuuum Gosling.
-dayum, Stone.
-dayum, Brolin?
-was that Anthony Mackie as Jackie Robinson in the preview before this movie? (it wasn’t, I looked it up after the movie. I’m just racist.)
-ya, no, you’d be dead.
-“don’t bring a knife to a gun fight” unless you’re Anthony Mackie.
-HOW DID THEY FIND HIM WITHOUT GOOGLE?
-god it’s a good thing cell phones didn’t exist. JUST SKIP TOWN, IDIOTS. by the time anyone knows you’re gone, it’s like 4 days later.

Verdict: 3/5
Good movie. Not amazing. Not award winning, except maybe in sound editing/mixing. Not bad. I’d definitely recommend seeing it in a theatre because it’s fun & exciting. Also because the 40s were the Golden Age of cinema so it’s fitting to see it in one.

ps. DAAAYYYUUUUUMMMM GOSLING.

pps. Here’s a clip of comedian John Mulaney (SNL writer) doing a bit about gangsters that I had running through my head during the entire movie. Legit. All movie. Just go to 11:55-end.

http://youtu.be/qgfC8QgVfwA

The 70th Golden Globe Awards just happened. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it, and their performances make us question why no one thought of getting them to host sooner. I’m not going to go into detail about the winners. The important thing is that Ben Affleck won. For a full list of winners, search elsewhere. Instead, I took notes on what my viewing partner, Christine, and I said whilst the award show was happening. We laughed, we cheered, we yelled, we asked oursevles “WHY?” too many times to count. Here are the highlights…

WARNING: It is extremely possible that only myself and Christine will find this funny.

5:01
M- “is Daniel Day-Lewis gay? I feel like he would make the coolest gay man.”

Close-up of Jessica Alba
M- “uuuuggggghhhhhh”
C- “why?!”

Random shot of Daniel Craig & Rachel Weisz
M&C in unison- “AAAAWWWW!” while reaching towards the screen

5:09
Close-up of Leonardo DiCaprio during Supporting Actor noms
M- “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
C- “I JUST WANT GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU!”
*note: we both wanted Christoph Waltz to win, but somehow also Leo

Cut away to this while Christoph Waltz thanks Leo…

M- “NOOOO!”
C- gasps
M&C- covers faces, cries but pretends to laugh at ourselves so the other person doesn’t see our tears

5:23
Catherine Zeta-Jones starts to sing “Do you hear the people sing?” from Les Miserables…
M- “oh shut up.”
C- “yeah, right?”
M- “wait, we both like her, why are we telling her to shut up?”

Jennifer Lopez & Jason Statham present an award as a way to promote their movie…
M- “oh THAT’S going to be a great film.”

5:48
C- “I’m still trying to figure out JLo’s dress.”

5:50
got distracted by tumblr posts about the show we are watching…

picture of Benedict Cumberbatch’s face
M-“AH!”
C- “he looks better.”
M- “yeah, his eyebrows have gotten better.”
C covers his mouth “yeah see? it’s his lips this time.”

another picture of Benedict, this time full body shot
C- “SEE? he can look good.”
M- “yeah, I’d probably marry that personality.”

5:59
M- “wait, why is Bill Clinton there?”

6:01
M- “Tina Fey in drag looks like Johnny Depp”

6:13
Jamie Foxx introducing Django Unchained
M-“cut to Leo!”
C- “looking heartbreakingly sad!”
M- “the day Leo wins something…”
C- “I’m going to fall to the ground.”

Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress, looks surprised
M unreasonably angry (because I wanted her to win)- “are you REALLY surprised that you won? you were so ugly in this film, of course you were going to win.”

Cut-away to Eddie Redmayne during Anne’s speech
in unison M- “AW YEAH!” C- “OH. GOD.”

6:29
another gratuitous shot of Leonardo
M&C-“WHYYYY?!?!” :(

6:36
Amour wins Best Foreign Film
“There are a few people I’d like to thank…”
M- “oh god, he’s gonna die before he finishes his speech.”
C- “He looks like Saruman if he got a haircut.”

Lea Michelle presents an award
C- “why are you orange and a rake?”

6:45
Sacha Baron Cohen says the greatest thing anyone has ever said
SBC “Russell Crowe had 4 months of singing lessons… money well spent.”
M&C “HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA”
C- “all the ‘OH SNAPS’ in the world”
M- “that was the best thing he’s ever said and will ever say.”
C- “For one fleeting second, I enjoyed his presence. Just as quickly as it began, it ended.”

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association succumbs to the hipsters and gives Lena Dunham the award for Best Actress in a TV Comedy. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler come back from commercial break and “fake” harass Dunham while being “drunk”. Good cover… it was all “part of the act”.

M randomly “If I could just stare at Daniel Craig & Rachel Weisz for the rest of my life, I’d be happy” C-“Yup.”

7:02
Robert Downey Jr loses us in his introduction to Jodie Foster receiving the Cecil B Demille award, and just when we think it can’t get more weird…

Jodie Foster’s speech/rant/ravings of a lunatic/almost sentimental moment
C- “I feel like she’s unstable…”
M-“If you don’t want the public to talk about your private life, THEN STOP DRAWING ATTENTION TO IT.”
C-“WHY are people CRYING? She’s CRAZY!”
M- “they’re crying because they want her to stop talking.”
C- rocking back & forth crying “make her stop. please make her stop.”

BEN AFFLECK WINS BEST DIRECTOR AND WE CHEERED AND THE DOG BARKED.
and then our hearts burst…
Let’s take a moment of silence for the Oscar that will never be

7:25
GIRLS won best Comedy… I have no answer for this.

7:30
Random appearance by Christian Bale
C- “where were they hiding THAT? and WHY would you be hiding that?”
M- “oh ya! he’s welsh.”

7:32
Hugh Jackman wins Best Actor Musical/Comedy
Cut-away to loser Bradley Cooper
C- “yeah! CRY like the little bitch that you know you are!”
Cut-away to Hugh’s wife
M-“why are you with that?” (I’m sure she’s nice)

7:39
Jeremy Renner walks onto the stage
M&C- “OH GOD.” “PFFFFFFFT” other indecipherable noises
C- “WHY would you comb your hair like that?!”
M-“Hey! I like his hair!”
C-“SO DO I!”
at some point we called him an Asshole and Bastard.

FYEAH LES MIS WINS BEST PICTURE MUSICAL/COMEDY
M- “you already had your turn, Hathaway! Let someone else speak. God.”
C- “I want to like you. Stop being ‘fake out of breath’!”

7:51
Daniel Day-Lewis does the unthinkable and wins Best Actor.

M types most sarcastic sentence ever.

7:52
M- “Daniel Day-Lewis should win an award for acting like a straight man all these years.” (award show commentary comes full circle)

FYEAH ARGO

And thus concludes our commentary.

If anyone is interested, M beatC by one point in our predictions pool.

And this was the greatest moment of the show:

Ok, ONE LAST NOTE, Marion Cotillard is a goddess and I worship the ground she walks on.

I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land.

Think Blue Valentine but slightly less depressing. Slightly.

I say “slightly” because Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones are fantastic at being funny when they’re suppose to be, but what’s more is their ability to break your heart. The brief synopsis of “C&J” is Celeste and Jesse are best friends who have been married for 6 years, but now they’re separated, and they think they’re fine, but really they aren’t. Barrel of laughs, right? While the subject matter seems serious and depressing (it is), they approach it with an honesty and light-hearted manner without detracting from the real human emotions you’d expect in this situation. Anyone who is familiar with Samberg on SNL, his movies, or The Lonely Island can look forward to seeing his boyish charm and humor shine through. What impressed me the most was how normal he can be. He pulled back all his outlandish, bawdy comedy tricks and instead presented himself as a serious actor. I’m not saying to cast Samberg in a dramatic period piece. I’m saying if he continues on this path to make you laugh one minute and cry the next, then his leaving SNL to pursue other acting opportunities won’t be in vain. Jones, who is probably most recognizable from her role as Amy Poehler’s bestie Ann Perkins on “Parks & Recreation”, is an absolute dream. Not only did she co-write Celeste & Jesse with Will McCormack (hilarious supporting performance as Skillz), she acted her heart out. You fall in love with her so easily, and you just root for her the whole time, which is why when Celeste pretends to be ok in front of Jesse you just want to reach out and hug her. I love Rashida Jones, I always have, but now I’m IN love with her.

The movie, while entertaining, also presents a serious question: is being best friends enough? Of course we’d all like to say “yes”, unfortunately the well crafted script gives a convincing argument for “no”. Two people seem to belong together, but as Celeste suggests, if you don’t fight for it then it slips away. It’s easy to say that at the beginning of the film, Celeste has it all together. She is a successful trendforecaster (yes it’s a thing), she’s beautiful, funny, has a nice house, gay Elijah Wood is her friend and co-worker, and she seems to have a wonderful husband. Then, within 5 minutes of the opening scene you realize ***SPOILER ALERT*** that she and Jesse are already separated. Is it entirely Jesse’s fault? No. Sure he doesn’t have a job, and takes an overly relaxed approach to life, causing Celeste to be stressed and feel like she’s doing all the work, but… no wait. I don’t have a “but”. That’s my first problem. I think somewhere in there it is suggested that Celeste is basically a power whore, but I didn’t necessarily feel that way. Maybe I was biasedly blinded by my love for Jones, but I was Team Celeste. Shit happens, you think they’ll get back together, they meet other people, she goes down a dark, twisted stairwell of pain and drunkenness, yadda yadda yadda. Some of it is predictable, but that doesn’t detract from their fine performances. In fact, Jones’ portrayal as a woman scorned was refreshing. Yes, she is down in the dumps, but it was never a life-ending moment for her. There was even a dreaded wedding speech moment where you thought she was going to lose her shit and embarrass herself while toasting her friends, but instead it turned into a sweet, subtle apology to Jesse. I DON’T KNOW WHY. He’s the one who should be apologizing, but whatever. It was too good to argue with.

The other problem I had, but was a well developed problem, was how they graphed Celeste’s growth. Near the beginning of the film, she’s at the end of a long line of customers at a coffee shop (let’s assume Starbucks), and a guy who was 4^th in line cuts to the front and orders coffee. From the back of the line she politely but directly tells him off, and I was proud of her. Like I wanted to stand up and be like “YEAH! Don’t take shit from anybody but still be respectable about it!” Then the movie happens. Then, at the end of the film, she’s at a gas station? Convenience store? whatever, not important, she’s walking to the cashier and a guy barges in from outside and just kind of cuts in front of her. She’s about tell him off, but instead says “nevermind” as if this was some big life changing moment. Like an “Aw she’s a changed woman” type of thing. I don’t want her to be a changed woman, that part of her that told off the coffee shop guy was incredible. Maybe she didn’t tell off gas station/convenience store guy because she realized he actually didn’t cut in front of her, he fairly beat her to the till. He thanks her, acknowledging that what he did was wrong and she was right, but it was cool of her to not lose her shit. Unenthusiastic yay. I mainly didn’t like this scene because it was a totally different situation from the one with the coffee guy, so comparing her reactions and thusly tracking her growth is unfair. However, I can see why they did it. In her not-so-awkward wedding speech/apology to Jesse, she says that in a relationship you don’t always have to be right, even if you are. That’s probably the clearest reasoning we get as to why her and Jesse’s relationship didn’t work out. Now, at the end of the movie, even though she’s right, she lets it slide. She takes Jesse’s laid back approach to life and chooses to pick her battles, which I can appreciate as a resolution.

Verdict: 4/5. Bravo performances. Andy Samberg can potentially be the next Paul Rudd, being capable of both humor and seriousness in his work. Rashida Jones is breathtaking and should be worshipped for her script writing and acting. The two of them seemed so natural on screen together that you hope they’re BFFs in real life. You also can’t help but feel that they were just being themselves, but perhaps that’s just an actor being a good actor. The supporting cast of Elijah Wood, Will McCormack, Eric Christian Olsen, Ari Graynor, Emma Roberts and Chris Messina are delightful. The soundtrack is amazing too, I’m hoping for that to be on iTunes soon. As a warning, you’ll probably leave the theatre with a mixed feeling of emptiness and happiness. It’s a strange feeling, but it’s worth it.

Ps. Lookout for a hilarious cameo by Kris Pino (spoiler alert: Chris Pine, who you won’t recognize unless you love Chris Pine as much as I do)

Yeah, I saw the Channing Tatum stripper movie. And know what? It was horrible. So what? Who cares? Oh no wait, I care. I care because this movie could have been fantastic, and I had my hopes up to see some juicy beefcakes, but what I got was poorly constructed story lines in a movie that was trying to be more than the sum of its parts. “I want to see Magic Mike because of the plot” said no one.  This movie would have been leaps & bounds better if it didn’t have a plot. If Magic Mike was just one camera shot of Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer stripping for 90 mins, audiences would have been more than satisfied. If Magic Mike had one simple, predictable story line- something to the tune of male stripper with a heart meets girls, they fall in love, girl disapproves of boy’s job, they break up, big romantic gesture, boy stops stripping, boy marries girl- it would have been decent at the very least. Instead, I was subject to a mess.

Perhaps if Magic Mike had more stripping, I wouldn’t be on such a tirade. But that’s the problem. If you’re going to make a movie with strippers, and advertise it as a movie with strippers, then there should be stripping. NOT DANCING. Stripping. Yes, Channing Tatum is a fine dancer, we know this from his Step Up days, but again, MOVIE ABOUT STRIPPING. I’m not entirely disappointed with what was thrusted upon me: an ass shot here, some grinding there. It just wasn’t enough, especially if they’re going to force us to tolerate the plot(s). I don’t know if anything was actually accomplished at the end of the movie. There were too many subplots in conjunction with the weak main plot. The main plot consisted of Tatum’s Mike who is an entrepreneur and wants to start his own custom furniture business, but he strips on the side to make money to do so. He has multiple businesses though. And he does already make custom furniture. So I’m not quite sure where the problem is. He falls for his protege’s sister, but he still makes booty calls to Olivia Munn, who is a lesbian? Bisexual? Engaged to another man? Whatever. She and her boobs had no business being in this movie. Meanwhile, Mike’s protégé, played by Alex Pettyfer, goes from zero to hero in the course of 3 months, but the term “hero” here means pill-popping sex addict dealer. There’s also Matthew McConaughey as the aging stripper/bar owner who wants to take his business to Miami. None of these plots are tied up in the end.  It was like the masterminds behind this project had the following conversation:

Mastermind A: Hey, know what would be a huge cash grab? A movie about male strippers.

Mastermind B: zomg that is brilliant. My daughter likes this guy… Tanning… Chet Tater… Channing Tatum! Let’s get him on board.

Mastermind A: Perfect. Let’s get to filming.

Mastermind B: Wait, don’t we need some sort of plot?

Mastermind A: Nah, we’ll just tell them to wing it.

And wing it they did. I wasn’t expecting Oscar-worthy acting, but I wanted to at least not guffaw. Apparently, I was asking too much. Most of the acting seemed like improv, and not good “Donald Glover on Community one-liners” improv; it was like “I don’t know my lines in a high school play” improv. Sidenote: fake laughing is the WORST (I’m looking at you Cody Horn). It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when the most convincing actor in a movie is Matthew McConaudouche. To say that he was meant for this role is an understatement. The supporting cast showed up, so I mean kudos to them. Matt Bomer, Adam Rodriguez, Kevin Nash, Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias, and the delicious Joe Manganiello all did what needed to be done. Anyone could have directed this, so I don’t know why they got Steven Soderbergh (Ocean’s 11, 12, 13) to do it. He certainly didn’t add anything to the movie-making, except a bizarre ecstasy trip scene which only makes me cringe knowing that that was him. And the poor bastard who wrote this crap, Reid Carolin… don’t try so hard buddy. You had a fantastic idea and you over shot it, which ironically made it seem like you half-assed it.

Verdict: 1.5/5. Whether I was laughing at the dialogue, the cat calls in the audience, or at the realization that I went to a movie to see Channing Tatum strip, I was entertained. However, when the credits started to roll I had an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I don’t care if you have a crappy plot in a movie about strippers, but when the crappy plot takes up more screen time than Channing Tatum’s abs, we have a problem. But what does that matter now? They set out to make money, not make a good movie, and they succeeded. Everyone who wanted to see it has seen it or will see it, regardless of the plot. The theatres sold out, we sold out, and they all got paid.

Seriously, why the eff was Olivia Munn in this?

Ps. I heard that they’re making Magic Mike 2. Please, for the love of oiled up men in thongs, don’t have a storyline.

Adorable. Charming. Funny. Heartbreaking. Smart. Beautiful. All of these words can be attributed to Wes Anderson’s visual masterpiece Moonrise Kingdom, but perhaps more importantly they also describe the performances of the two breakout leads Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman. Hayward and Gilman star as Suzy and Sam, two young kids who fall in love and run away together. They are simply wonderful and it is hard to believe that this is the first feature film for both of them. Everything they do is perfect, and you wonder if they consciously made those choices or if it is their natural charm shining through. Wes Anderson, as always, is precise with his casting choices, so it would not be surprising if he found Suzy and Sam rather than two kids who could play them.

All of the children in this movie are sensational. Suzy & Sam, Suzy’s little brothers, and the Khaki Scouts are the film. The big names that make up the adult cast impress through their subtlety. Anderson film regulars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman please as usual, while Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Frances McDormand and Tilda Swinton do just enough to hold the story together without taking away focus from the kids. I went in thinking Willis would be my favourite, but it was Norton as the admirable Scout Master that shined the most out of the adults. You just root for his do-goodery to prevail, which in part represents the nature of the entire film- the desire for good, innocence and simplicity.

Moonrise Kingdom makes you nostalgic for a childhood that you never had. The choices Anderson makes in his direction make you believe that what you are seeing are projections of your own childhood, or at least the memories that you never had. I cannot say for sure why Anderson set the story in the 1960s, but I can’t help but think it has to do with the picture of easy-goings and simplicity that the 60s’ life seems to convey. Today’s society copies the clothes, the music, the THINGS, but what we really want to copy is the essence; the longing for the uncomplicated. The virtues in the Scout Master and the innocence of the kids resonate the most with the retro decade, and also play with our desire for the past, more specifically, our childhood. Things were easier, simpler, back when we were kids, or at least we seem to think they were. This film makes us long not for the return of the past, but for the way we were as children.

Additionally, Anderson’s film, like most of his films, is about the functionality of a dysfunctional family. Through the perfectly shot scenes is an imperfect family, that, despite how wacky and quirky they seem, are easy to relate to. The awkward, distant ambiance created by the characters is somehow comforting because in the end we realize that they do, in fact, function. Anderson presents the notion that no matter how odd a family seems, they are a family and they stick together through thick and thin, which gives us hope for our own families. The strongest metaphor in the movie that reflects this notion is the orchestra music playing from Suzy’s brother’s record player. A beautiful piece of music fills the house as the camera slowly sweeps through each room. A voice interrupts the music, drawing attention to each instrument family: the strings, the winds, the percussions. Each section is enjoyable enough, but they are missing something. That “something” becomes apparent when the sections are played together again- they were missing each other. I think this beautifully demonstrates that each member of a family, whether it be Suzy’s family, the Khaki Scouts, or the community in this small New England town, are an integral part of its functionality. Without one individual, it just isn’t the same, which is why Suzy’s family and the scouts go out looking for Suzy and Sam. That’s why, no matter how strange a Wes Anderson family seems on the screen, the familiarity of what we’d do for our families is there.

Verdict: 4/5 Maybe I’m digging for meaning in this film, but it sure as hell seems like it’s there. Wes Anderson leaves his films vague enough to be open to interpretation, so if you want to take something away from it, you can. Or, if you just want to be entertained and be left in awe of what he offers to cinema, you can do that too. I have nothing negative to say about this film except that on the grand scheme of movie viewing, it’s not the best or most enticing film I’ve ever seen. Beautifully shot, charming cast, pretentious and heart warming. Moonrise Kingdom is simply amazing.

Ps. The music in this film is so magical that hipsters wish they had found it.

or “Snow White and the Seven Thors” -my bff Christine

“Anything that follows theBourne Legacytrailer is at a disadvantage.” I predicted correctly. WhileSWATHwas entertaining enough, it left me wanting more, and not in a good way. Let’s start off with the positives, shall we?

Positive 1: Director Rupert Sanders shot a beautiful film. I mean, the attractive cast and sweeping landscapes lent a hand, but even in the dark, twisted scenes there was a haunting beauty about them. He done good, especially with a script we are all too familiar with.

Positive 2: Chris Hemsworth’s face, and the 5 seconds of air time his abs got.

Positive 3: The acting was solid, even for Kristin Stewart. I didn’t squirm when she was on screen, which is a good acting review for the darling. Well, save for that rallying speech before the big battle, but it wasn’t the worst, so yay?

SPOILERS, STRAIGHT AHEAD!

Alright, time to rip this movie a new one. Yes, classic fairytale. Obviously we know the gist ofSnow White. Script Writers Evan Daugherty and John Lee Hancock offered some originality, but with that comes some major plot fails.

Negative 1: Free tip- make the basis of the entire story believable. The King’s army doesn’t find it AT ALL suspicious that they just defeated an army of GLASS SHARDS, and that this GLASS SHARDS army had a woman as their prisoner, with no guards, alone in a caravan? I understand you need to set up the backstory quickly, but couldn’t there be just ONE GUY who says “hey, so WTF? Weird right. Maybe we should take some serious precautions, but you’re the King” so that I know that not everyone in this film is a dolt. Oh wait, now the voice over is telling me that the newly widowed King marries the enchantingly beautiful prisoner ONE DAY after meeting her? Give me a break. The audible “PPPFFFFTTTT” in the audience gave a new definition to surround sound.

Negative 2: I didn’t really care for any of the characters. The writers even tried to make us sympathize for Charlize Theron’s evil Queen by showing a flashback as to how she came to be “cursed” with eternal beauty. Boo-freakin-hoo, still no reason to be a colossal bitch.

Negative 3: Don’t toy with the idea of incest unless it’s between Jaime and Cersei Lannister, because you’re going to do it wrong.

Negative 4*: Here’s the movie: Beginning ofCinderella, Arwen being chased by Ringwraiths, handsome guy gets kicked out of a bar, Princess Leia & Han Solo meet Ewoks on Endor, Harry Potter’s patronus, Jesus, Joan of Arc, coronation by the priest fromThe Princess Bride, the end?

Negative 5: I said “the end?” because I meant it. Sure, Snow White wins, I don’t think that’s hardly a spoiler. But if you’re wondering if Snow & Thor end up together, or if he is just going to continuously lurk at the back of a crowded room for the sole purpose of emerging on cue when she looks for him, keep wondering. I’m glad this is one of few films that has a female lead and doesn’t center on a love story. HOWEVER, I prefer movies that follow through with their own set-up. If you’re going to introduce a love triangle, then she BEST pick one at the end. I suppose it leaves room for a crappy sequel… IMDB does haveSnow White and the Huntsman 2 (???)listed, so that looks promising (???)

Negative 6: NEVER THROW DOWN YOUR SHIELD. Like actually, wtf? “Oh I’m about to face off with a sorceress, this shield will be of absolutely no use to me.” No.

Negative 7: Dear Snow, Thor, and Dwarves: You’re being hunted. If you stop moving, your hunters will catch up to you. Regards, every 20 minutes of this movie.

Negative 8: Epic plot fail… Snow White escapes the castle grounds at the beginning of the movie by sliding down a sewer tunnel, which comes out on the side of a steep cliff. So she jumps into the ocean. Fine. Near the end of the movie, Snow White and her army wait on the beach, a safe, long distance away from the castle, while the 7 dwarves swim? fly? teleport? to the same sewage line, creep past some guards and open the gate from the inside. THAT WOULD HAVE TAKEN HOURS AND HOW DID THEY SCALE THAT CLIFF? They would have drowned before they even made it to the base of that wall. They also would have been spotted by tower watchmen.

Verdict: 2.5/5, a passing grade. The negatives outweigh the positives 8-3, but I’m still glad I saw it.Snow White and the Huntsman is a cheap-Tuesday type of movie. It was blandly entertaining, but entertaining nonetheless. Everything in this film relied heavily on taking the events and story for face value. It was all on the surface, no depth. I’m sure there was suppose to be some sort of deep metaphor somewhere, probably involving the majestic stag, but it got lost in Chris Hemsworth’s strong masculine features.

* Negative 4 could also be viewed as a Positive. I was aiming to show the simplicity and overdoneness of the story, but I summed it up in a such a way that sounds like an epic film. It’s not.

“I want this movie to come out on DVD right now so that I can watch it every day for the rest of my life” I said as my friends and I left the theatre. Rock of Ages was horrible, in the absolute best way possible, and here’s why… Tom effin Cruise.

There are no words to accurately describe how much I love Tom Cruise right now. I’m not a huge fan of the guy. He lost me somewhere between “Eyes Wide Shut” and “Vanilla Sky”, and I never quite recovered until “Ghost Protocol”. Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx is perhaps the most perfectly bizarre casting choice ever, but it works. Oh boy does it work. Tom (cuz we’re tight like that) somehow manages to both spoof and embody an aging rock god in his portrayal of Stacee Jaxx. He is absolutely absurd, but it’s what we all expect rock stars of yore to be. Forget about the out of control costumes, the guyliner, and tattoos. The way Tom Cruise moves, speaks, and even just stands… THAT STANCE. My lord, who is this guy? And his SINGING. I’m going to be devastated if one day we find out that he didn’t do his own singing. I mean, of course he had some help from the sound editing department, as did the entire cast. The man is a beast who does not need to be caged. Let Tom roam free and find shelter in all of our hearts.

Now for the movie itself… corny. HOLY COW I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FORM A CORNY-ENOUGH METAPHOR. But it worked. It really makes you question how much of it was suppose to be a cheesy spoof. Answer: All of it. The exception is in the performances of the two leads, Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta. The poor darlings, I think they were actually TRYING. But good news for them: they can fall back on saying their bad acting was intentional. I did not see the musical production, but I KNOW it’s suppose to be a spoof. I’m just warning whoever reads this that if you don’t bring your sense of humor with you, then don’t even bother. If you just go to listen to the music and free yourself to being entertained, then you will love it.

Other notes:
Everyone can carry a tune, some more than others, but generally speaking my ears enjoyed what they heard. My favorites were Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, and Malin Akerman. YES. MALIN AKERMAN. AMAZING. The woman is an 80s goddess. Besides her voice she’s stunningly beautiful in 80s makeup and hysterical. After doing some quick IMDBing post-Rock, I was pleased to see she will be portraying Debbie Harry in the upcoming film “CBGB” (Thanks Taryn for looking that up while I was driving, Safety First people).

Are the songs they cover better than the originals? Hell to the no. Impossible. But they hold their own. You don’t want to cover your ears and yell to the sky “WHY WOULD YOU RUIN THIS SONG?” Nothing was ruined. Every single song is a winner. My favourite is a toss up between Tom Cruise’s “Dead or Alive” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me” Challenge: try not to whisper to your movie buddy “I love this song” at some point.

I wish Catherine Zeta-Jones had a sexy, get down with your bad self number. I mean the woman is fantastic in what she does, but I just really love me some “Chicago” Zeta-Jones.

Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin had the best laughs. These two clearly knew what this thing was about and they nailed it. Obviously not taking themselves seriously, but doing it in a way where you laughedwiththem, like it was a joke they let you in on.

Paul Giamatti was Paul Giamatti. I don’t know what else to say about him. I don’t particularily like the man, but he does sleazy manager really well.

I looked up the musical’s plot synopsis on Wiki. The movie differs substantially, and I think for the better.

But Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, oh my god. I don’t care if you hate Rock of Ages, you WILL love Tom Cruise/Stacee Jaxx.

ps. Even the Cheetos cheetah is like “dude, wtf?”

Pps. How come they didn’t get Tom Cruise to tour as Stacee Jaxx as a promotional money maker? I would pay stupid amounts of money to see him on stage.

Verdict: 3/5, if you like 80s rock, laughing, and easy, predictable plots.